Alestorm announces worst album of all time

THE OCEANS ARE NO LONGER SUFFICIENT. Somewhere in Czechia, Alestorm have apparently decided that the next stage of pirate metal is to sail beyond the atmosphere and commit nautical offences against the structure of the cosmos.

The band have announced the start of recording for album number nine, *Infinite Seas of Stellar Damnation*, a title that sounds like the final sentence uttered by a wizard before being sucked into a malfunctioning planetarium.

The ninth Alestorm album appears to be a maritime incident of interplanetary proportions.

Sessions are taking place at Nahrávací Studio Divadla Na Orlí in Czechia, with longtime producer Lasse Lammert returning to preside over the operation. Nobody has confirmed whether the building has been reinforced against this level of concentrated nonsense.

The disclosed titles present an increasingly distressing picture. "Alcohol and Gnomes" suggests a diplomatic breakdown in the subterranean kingdoms. "The Cult of Leviathan" sounds like an organized attempt to awaken something enormous and wet. "The Pope's Gonna Be A Pirate" presents jurisdictional questions that canon law cannot reasonably answer. The Vatican should probably check whether its boats are still there.

There is also a Jimmy Buffett cover, potentially connecting tropical leisure music with an interstellar theological emergency. The band have not identified which song, and the margarita-based implications therefore remain hypothetical.

And then there is "Fuck". One word, four letters, and a complete artistic manifesto delivered with the subtlety of a refrigerator being thrown down a stairwell.

The announcement promises other long and complicated compositions, a final track exceeding twelve minutes, bonus tracks and some Japanese-language passages. These may or may not be connected. We cannot rule out the possibility that the closing epic will be an instruction manual for operating a cursed schooner.

A release is tentatively suggested for 2027, provided the band actually finishes recording. The announcement also jokingly insists that everyone is excellent at their instruments and the songs are easy to play, which should reassure absolutely nobody involved in the mixing process.

There is currently no confirmed release date, full tracklist or identified Jimmy Buffett cover. There is only a ninth Alestorm record under construction and the escalating prospect that "The Pope's Gonna Be A Pirate" will soon exist as commercially distributed audio.

Metal Riffcrusher will continue monitoring the situation until the ocean has been returned to its original dimensions.